Mr. President?
No, thanks.A timely review of USA presidents for the past seven decades and alternative facts about the previous place holder. Snicker or weep openly in this sample chapter from my new humor book “Can you spare me a smile?“
Mr. President? No, thanks.
If the people chose me to be the President of the United States of America, I’d scream frantically, wet my pants, and flee to another country. Actually, I’ve already done that, without the screaming or wetting, just to avoid being a resident, let alone president.
POTUS sounds like the worst job in the world. Get hired and immediately half the country hates you; people around the globe want to kill you; security guards with necks wider than your waist surround your family; everyone dissects your life 60/24/7/365, watching for any mistake or strange behavior. You’re chopped meat if you get caught with broccoli between your teeth, a booger hanging from your nostril, or your fly down.
I’ve lived through, gasp, 12 different presidents. From age 0 to 4, I don’t remember Harry Truman, since presidents didn’t say things I cared to hear like “goo goo da da frimp ga zoing” until George W. Bush took office.
In my pre-teen years in the ’50s, former five-star general, “I like Ike” Eisenhower inspired me to build model navy ships and blow them up with firecrackers in the bathtub.
Brimming with charisma, JFK came on the scene and tragically left too soon, leaving probing questions like, “Did he really have an affair with Marilyn Monroe?” With that titillating presidential possibility in mind, I dreamed of being POTUS. As North Dakota State Student Council president, I traveled to schools and gave a speech written by my ghost writer (Readers Digest magazine) called “24-hour Leadership,” which must have included something about leading in your sleep, a skill perfected by Ronald Reagan during his latter years in office.
When the Cold War heated up in the late ’60s, barren North Dakota became a center of mass destruction on the northern USA border. Hundreds of InterContinental Ballistic Missiles (ICBM or “I Can Bomb Moscow”) were concealed in desolate underground silos and ready to launch. Why? If Russia vaporized North Dakota, no one would notice, or if they did, no one would give a shit. Fleets of B-52 bombers and fighter jets guarded us from imminent invasion by Canada and their Mounties, who might have ridden over the border to steal some of our wheat.
LBJ tackled civil rights, poverty, and disastrously, Vietnam. His Pinocchio nose was already formidable, but it continued to lengthen during his public downplay of the war, while he secretly revved it up. By the end of his term, he could wear his reading glasses, driving glasses, and sunglasses—all at the same time.
While in college at the radical hotbed of UW/Madison, visions of moving to Canada replaced my personal POTUS dreams. I disagreed with the Vietnam War, war in general, and the concept of visiting Southeast Asia to kill other teenagers like me. I only shot living things with my camera. Because of a congenital eye disorder requiring three operations and the wearing of glasses enabling me to distinguish living beings from inanimate objects, I was granted a deferment from the military. No one wanted a sightless pacifist wandering around foreign battlefields accidentally wasting his own comrades.
Enter Dick Nixon and the Age of Wiretapping, Watergate, and the War at Home. He wasn’t your everyday Tom, Dick, or Harry—merely a impeached dick who resigned before being fired. I lost all confidence in the presidency when bland Fall Guy, Jerry Ford pardoned him. Then Jerry fell down exiting Air Force One, solidifying his image as a terminal klutz. LBJ once commented, “He’s a nice fellow, but spent too much time playing football without a helmet.”
I met Ford’s son in my booth at an entertainment convention. As he perused my promo material, he lost his balance, collapsed my table, and sent my stuff flying onto the floor. I asked, “The apple didn’t fall far from the tree, eh?”
Former peanut farmer Carter’s term challenged Jimmy and the country, but he was, and still is, a good man. Visiting his tiny hometown of Plains, Georgia, I had a close encounter with his cousin. On the town square sat the Carter General Store, overflowing with household supplies and hardware, souvenir key chains, and jars of “Plains Presidential Peanut Butter.” I carried a copy of Turning Point, “written and autographed by the author” to the check-out counter, and picked up a postcard next to the register of Jimmy shaking hands with his cousin, State Senator Hugh Carter. I looked from the card to the smile hovering above the cash register.
“Hugh!” I exclaimed.
“Yessir, Ah am,” he replied proudly in Southern speak.
“I’m confused.” I opened the book and pointed to the autograph. “Jimmy’s signature looks a little weird, like it’s blurry or something.”
“Whale,” Hugh drawled, which means “well” in English, “he came on by ’n’ signed ’em with a pencil, so ah wen’ over ’em with a pen.”
The Reagan/Bush Years dragged on forever. The Clinton Risqué Era faded into another endless Bush Whack. To take on Obama, the Republicans could only dredge up another rich, old, white guy for their candidate. As his VP running mate, John McCain chose Sarah Palin, winner of the Miss Wasilla Beauty Pageant in Alaska, who negated any positives he brought to the position. Despite her dismal failure during the vice-presidential debates, she did defeat Joe Biden in the swimsuit competition.
Every president gave it their best or worst shot, succeeding or failing at exactly the same time, depending on who you talk to at what time during their reign. In my opinion, President Obama succeeded marvelously. If we have a few more like him, maybe they’ll change the name of the official residence to the Black and White House.
I can’t bring myself to refer to the current occupant of this venerable building as President except for the final four letters of the title—he’s a wretched “dent” in US history which needs to be pounded out, sanded down, and repainted.
BREAKING NEWS!
POTUS Illegal Alien Born on Uranus and Expelled
The US of Angst, April 1st, 2020: Today Men In Black revealed to the news media that the President of the United States, originally from Uranus, was exiled from his home planet and transported to Earth decades ago.
“Agent Orange was one of the first alien refugees our organization accepted,” says Tommy Lee Smith, a Men In Black spokesperson. “99% of his native citizens voted him off the planet. His official classification on Uranus was also POTUS, though on that world the initials stand for ‘Piece Of The Universal Shit.’ Most people referred to him by the shortened version: POS. He was nearly 300 years old, but could only speak and write like a third grader. After his businesses went bankrupt, he escaped to a remote swamp with several associates, and the Uranian International Congress sought to drain it.
“Over the years, they have flushed several of POTUS’ cronies down to Earth. On Uranus, his President of Vice, Mikey Halfpence, had a private proctology practice at the Brown Nose Institute. Kelly Anaconda was a snake in the grass selling her own brand of snake oil door-to-door. Banned from the bar association, Billy aka “The Toad” became a bail bondsman for the USP, the Union of Swamp Predators. Jarred Kushnerd—a human, a robot, or some bizarre creature in between—worked as a model for plastic manikins because his expression never changed.”
Extracting a pen-sized video projector from his suit coat and pointing at the white wall, Mr. Smith continued. “But Moscow Mitch is the weirdest varmint. He used to be a turtle on his own rotten log in the southern swamp. You think he looks strange now? Look at this footage when he sucks his head inside his body!”
When the tiny POS first arrived, the Men In Black felt sorry for him. In reality, he is only a half-inch orange worm with white circles around his eyes, but uses Uranian Hologram Technology to create the rotund behemoth his fans observe bulging around the podium. Critics have claimed he’s daft because of his outlandish ravings, but Mr. Smith explained that these statements verify his origins.
“Agent Orange spoke about injecting disinfectant into patients’ lungs to kill the corona virus. That wouldn’t hurt a Uranian. Their internal body components are more like porcelain toilet fixtures. Noise from windmills causes cancer? That’s possible on Uranus. The average temperature’s minus 360°F, and wind speed might reach 560 mph. You can’t imagine how loud windmills are! Nuke a hurricane to stop it? Fallout that would spread across Earth couldn’t hurt a Uranian. Everyone is naturally hatched in radioactive test tubes. Why do you think he’s orange? Look closely and you’ll see how he glows in the dark.”
The Men In Back organization has concluded the time has come for the removal of Agent Orange, his associates, and his supporters. “We discovered the secret mission of this despicable POS. The letters in COVID-19 stand for Complete Oblivion Via Illicit Dictatorship. His minions created a vicious virus in the southern White House basement and smuggled it into China. His goal is to decimate humanity, then travel to Uranus via the Space Force, and enact final revenge on his home. We can’t let that happen, so we’ll be teleporting the POS and his swamp comrades to a sparsely populated planet called Narcissia in the Andromeda Galaxy. Lying is the Law of Land there, and Fake News is all they get. We told the whole truth and nothing but the truth about our POTUS to the Narcissia officials, but they didn’t believe us. Agent Orange should feel right at home there, except they haven’t discovered electricity yet, so without his hologram, he’ll just be one more little POS worm destined to become a dung beetle.
The President Alien, his wife Resident Alien Melanoma, and concubines hiding in his bunker were informed of their imminent expulsion at a private White House meeting.
“The POS didn’t take the news too well,” admitted Mr. Smith. “He shouted ‘Covfefe!’—the Uranian word for ‘fuck you!’—blamed it and his hemorrhoid problems on Obama, fired everyone in his general vicinity, and trashed the Oval Office with a golf club. Melanoma remained benign with a smile frozen on her face and offered me a complimentary ‘Morons Are Governing America’ hat made in China.”
~~~
Little Agent Orange inspired me to create this ad!
